"and I no longer drink enough"

"to think you're witty"

Yeah.
I need to go to sleep.

Last night I had a dream that I tore my forearm open and ripped out all the flesh.
It was just so dark it made my stomach churn. When I woke up I realized that I am not that unhappy self-deprecating girl. It makes me sick to think I sunk that low.

I think these past two months have helped me gain my own footing. I feel I've aged a few years even.

My father told me in a recent letter to keep my feet on the ground and my head in the stars.
And I'll do just that.

last day

Well, I counted the days wrong on this damn thing, but itskay. Today is the last day of solitude. Hard to believe that it's been over 2 weeks.

Yesterday, I got my drivers permit.
The great part about it was that I had been worried over whether or not I'd pass the test. I ended up finishing it in under 3 minutes, got 100% and finished before the people who were there before me.
A sense of pride and achievement over a simple task.

Had a dentist appointment. All went well.
Overall, everything is good. I should be driving sometime this week. A bit nervous about that. I believe that's an understatement. I'm terrified to drive a vehicle. But then again, I was terrified to move away from home the day after graduation, but it turned out fine. I'm not dependent on other people for my own happiness. I don't need external validation of who I am.
It really baffles me that humans in general avoid learning anything about the world around them because it's 'boring'. That's bullshit. This month has given me perspective and I realize that I shouldn't let other people hinder my potential. I already let my mother do that.

Anyway, I need to get back to being active instead of : "hey, im home alone. i can lay on this couch, eat burritos, and not brush my hair. hey, how about i have a star trek movie marathon?"
yeah. i've been such a bum this month.

people go wakeboarding around here and le' dork is really into it.
...yeah I'd probably fracture something.

"I'm not the man they think I am at home.
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man."

thirteen

Jim's Big Ego-The Ballad of Barry Allen
Mark Aaron James-Aquaman's Lament
Four-Color Love Story
Flash-Queen


Yeah the music selection is superhero themed today.
Started my day off watching Superman on amc. Ultra-classic.


Am I the only one who wants Batgirl to show up in nolan-verse? Well along with Harley Quinn, but with the death of Ledger that seems impossible.
But with Alan Moore's The Killing Joke, rendering Batgirl paralyzed, I could see Nolan taking on her character. The darker the better, right?
I've looked up to batgirl since I was four and got my first rc batmobile. That thing was the shit. I wish I still had it. Not to mention that from ages 3-6 after a bath, I'd run around the house naked screaming, "BUTT-MAN! NANANANA"

Yeah I was a pretty classy kid.

Been watching Doctor Who lately. I really love it despite how scientifically inaccurate it is. Well that's why it's called: SciFi. Rose is actually a more bareable character with each episode. EVen though I'm aware of the spoilers :[

Temps test tomorrow. Nervous. Dentist Appointment afterwards. Nervous.

And I encountered a dead cat today. It was really strange.

eleventy-twelve?

Didn't sleep. Went for a walk at 3 in the morning and I just got back. I was followed for like a half hour by some creepy red ford, and all of you non-existant people would be proud to know that I told him off with middle fingers and everything. IT WAS LIBERATING.

K.
So anyway,
that chinese buffet was the best chinese food experience i've ever had. seriously. so good.

music fer ya:
Pogo-Under a Spell <3
Figurine-Stranger
Yawn-Kind of Guy
Lemon Demon-I've Got Some Falling To Do


Yeah, I know it's all indie, but I love it okay? So back off brotha.

It's Saturday!
That means laundry, cleaning, and napping. Possibly burritos if I decide I don't hate my body image momentarily.
Hell, I'm gonna have burritos no matter what.
Burritos are like sex for a pathetic seemingly asexual girl who needs to stop watching star trek next generation.

Monday- Driver's Temp thang/Dentist Appt.
yesterday, I even went grocery shopping :D

I AM SO FREAKIN INDEPENDENT


Oh and Mayim Bialik is a new hero of mine.

Along with Data[STNG] of course.

Day 11. Some tunes.

Suburban Kids With Biblical Names- Loop Duplicate My Heart
Figurine- IMpossible
The Submarines-Brighter Discontent
The boy Least Likely To- Be Gentle With Me

Been watching Star Trek Next Generation all evening. Ran a couple miles so I could eat burritos, and took out the garbage. Exciting day.

Tomorrow we're going out for Chinese Food. Happ-eh-ness <3

Le' Dork is a doll.

Day 10. Finally a tolerable human being.

Is it too early to say I just met my soulmate?

Yeah. Definitely is. Especially since I don't believe in 'soul-mates'.
Anyway he's kind of my ideal friend. Ryan.

He's a fuckin smartass.
Honors Program [Applying for since I meet all the requirements, just need letters of rec.]
Ambassadors Club [Which I was already joining]
And he's a morning person.
He's got these great twitches and he's completely socially inept and tall.
Blue eyes.
Signs of OCD
Pretty much perfect by my definition

we got to talking about our courses and everything and he appreciated my flash
t-shirt.
this man is ultra-win.

and he works at some fish house in town, which is pretty big around here.

I was like, "What do you do for fun around here?"
He went on to talk about all these academic organizations he's in. And he's going into optometry and can technically get his 2 year credits to transefer by the third semester.
Likes boating[like every other person in this town], along with fishing and mixed martial arts.

The Perfect Nerd.

This kid is just the socially awkward bundle of perfect I need. I was beginning to worry I wouldn't find another tolerable human being down here.
Met some other people too.
One chic whose name I can't spell,something like: Laschum, who has a kid, but she was pretty kickass.
And some other chic named Hannah who was completely gorgeous.

But Ryan seems like the perfect balance of brain and boy.
Finally someone who understands what I'm talking about half of the time.

Day 10

My Theme Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsCAy9ErdKY

Student Orientation tomorrow.

Determined to resist everyone's objections to my decision.
I'm going to make it work whether they like or not.

I have limitless connections. I could intern at nasa next summer if I get my ass in gear.

Day 9

Some tunes:

Chances-Athlete
The Walls are coming down-Fanfarlo
Space Lion- Cowboy Bebop Original Soundtrack <3


Student orientation Wednesday. Getting my learner's permit this week.
My sleep schedule is all messed up. I go to bed in the afternoon and wake up in the evening.
Kind of a nice freedom though.

I feel very empty right now. In that I guess I'm really just apathetic. Not depressed. Not happy. Just existing.

And I think I'm getting carpal tunnel in my right hand from typing all the time.



What's wrong with me? I'm devoid of a sex drive.
I can't tell whether I'm ashamed or if I'm bragging.
If I lived my life, with the focus of improving myself as a person rather than seeking external validation of my worth, I think I could be happy. I'm perfectly content living alone. Less complications.

Day 8

Starting to feel better. Of course I'm still in shock, and I don't think I'll ever fully grasp the concept of death considering that anyone I've ever known to die, I've never came to terms with. Death has always fascinated me and it always will. But I believe that's only human of me.
Sonny was always there for me. He was a cat, yes, but I can recall so many times when he just sat next to me in some of my darkest times, and he was truly a comfort. People who don't believe that animals have that ability think too logistically about things and are just devoid of emotion.
These past few days have been hell. I've been awake for over 2 days now, but I feel okay, like I've lost the requirement for sleep. Almost like my body is beyond that.
But then I know, I'll start feeling drowsy and seeing things, so I'll probably pass out later.
Today, I have to study that goddamn driver's manual.

I think my cat's death just sort of awakened a few things in me that I didn't know.

And you know what? I'm beyond the people I used to cling to.
I have self-esteem and self-respect despite how low things can get in my life. And I will not belittle myself for others. Friendships should never be one-sided. Someone has to meet the other half way. If you're not here for me, I'm not here for you.

And today is the first day that I am not 'in love' with you.

I will not pin my happiness on someone else. We come into this world alone, and we leave alone.
I am my own self, and my happiness and security is mine alone.




I made lemonade.
But I guess, 'when life hands you lemons, make lemonade'. I didn't realize that until after I made it.
No this isn't some metaphor. I really did make lemonade.


http://www.lyricinterpretations.com/The-Killers/Spaceman
The first interpretation of the lyrics is my favorite.

day 5 is a load of bullshit

Dear God,

If you exist you're the most miserable sonofabitch. That is to say, I fucking hate you.

My whole life has been one great big slab of shit, and anytime I think it's getting better you prove me wrong.
Let's see what this year has amounted to:
Feeling violated
getting sick
cat dies
seeing a psych
being on suicide watch
confessing my pathetic feelings to someone who doesnt give a damn
just general shittyness following
cutting
drinking myself into an oblivion
painkillers
purging
considering suicide as an alternative to life after graduation
being kicked out of my own house for something i didn't do
bulimia
my best friend attempting suicide
my best friend ignoring the world before i have to leave
finding out my dad is getting sick
moving 13 hours away from everything ive ever known
starting off in a new town and i still dont know a goddamn person
my best friend not seeing how much of a dumbass she's being with her great new decision
being fucking alone
and now, you take away the one thing that makes my dad fuckin happy:
my cat
my cat was apart of the fucking family


i haven't felt this miserable in months

i realize that alot of my misfortunes this year are of my own account, but holy fucking hell! Why do terrible things happen to good people? Not to say I'm a fucking saint, but most of my problems are usually the result of me caring too fucking much.

Take away my goddamn cat?
And in the most terrible way too.

i feel so fucking sick. my dad's going to go right back to his depression again.
and me? I think I've been depressed since I was fucking born.

AND I CANT FUCKING SLEEP,

And you know what's the best part of all of this, no one gives a damn
And if I just die? No one's gonna fucking know. What a fucking great world we live in.


"You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago. "

Day 5

Well I woke up around 4 pm after going to bed at 8 am, so technically day 5 is just beginning, I think...
Fed cats, ran for a bit, another storm, took a shower, called my mother, and now...

I'm watching Morgan Freeman explain wormholes on tv while simultaneously trying to read my drivers manual.
Eff. I have a feeling I'm going to be the driver that everyone complains about.

When my grandparents left I was all too excited to be able to go out on the deck and just sleep under the stars, but every night there's been too much cloud coverage [aside from july 4th] to do that. It's beautiful during the day and then, right around 7 it just storms.

I think we're at a waning crescent right now if my memory serves me right.
I completely take advantage of the astronomy magazine website's stardome.I love it.

I wish retaining information about driving were as easy as astronomical stuffff.

And today is Wheezy Waiter's explosion Wednesday. Where is his video?!?!

I have a feeling I may post another journal entry later. Meh.

Day 4

wheezy waiter is one of the best things that ever hit youtube. or my life for that matter.
AND NOW HE'S MY FRIEND ON FACEBOOK.
obsession.

went to three different thrift stores with my aunt cathy and in each one was something pertaining to astronomy.
either some astronomer intown just evenly distributed his things to these thrift stores, or this is some miraculous sign that i should explore thissss.

i got 3 books, 1 magazine, and the most comfortable longsleeve thing of awesome.
i was tempted to get the nasa baseball cap if it had not been for the fact that used hats are disgusting.

i didn't sleep last night so i just took a nap out of the exhaustion the failure of my router had put upon me.
plus im pretty sure that talking to SAM and Con for exactly 4 hours, 20 minutes and 1 second about dora the explorer fanfiction didnt't help [look it up dawgs. its hella-disturbing]
i hate that bitch. no idea how i fixed it.


seriously. i cant stop watching wheezy waiter.

Day 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8ZcxLisr3Y


Today my Aunt took me out for pizza. Highlight of the day.

Went out for a walk. Got lost. It was exciting. It's nothing but hills here.
I don't think this town has ever heard of sidewalks.
When the lyrics: "Wander down the street and I would be the pavement beneath your feet" came on,
I just started to cry. And right as I did, it started to rain out of fucking no where. Movie magic please.
When I got back to the house, I just laid out on my deck.
Ever stare straight up at the sky while it's raining?
Do it.

I'm a strong person. I am.
But my krypotonite seems to be a tall form and a wide smile.

GAH. WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONS?

I'm just a bundle of fucked up. Don't mind me.

Warm wind feels good on bare skin.
It's beautiful outside. Even when it rains.

Day 2.75????

I don't care if I'm posting on this blog like crazy.
The purpose of it is to talk to myself anyway, which I already do alot of.

My friend mentioned having a playlist to cry to
so here's mine:
{bold indicates intense crying}

Radiohead [Thom Yorke]- Hearing Damage
Grizzly Bear- Slow Life
Brand New- The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
Gregory and the Hawk- Boats and Birds
Jimmy Eatword- May Angels lead you in
Blue October- Into The Ocean
Blink 182- I Miss You
The Doors-The End
Brand New- Jesus Christ
One April Day- Stephen Merritt
Edelweiss-The Sound of Music
Savannah Smiles-Okkervil River
Moon River- Audrey Hepburn
Kate Nash- Nicest Thing
Dylan in the Movies- August Moon

when youre miles away from the person you mindlessly love, crying is the next closest thing to them.
god im pathetic.

Day 2.5

I'm watching the night sky.
I can point out any constellation you want, doll.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z_NvVMUcG8&NR=1

My rational side keeps telling me I'm okay.

I'm not good with words. Or people.
But I'll show you any constellation even with all these fireworks and satellites taking up all that pretty space.
Whenever I see Andromeda, the chained maiden, I'm reminded of you.

And Capricornus. I'll never see that.

Day 2

Finally got some much needed sleep.
Woke up. Fed the goddamn cats.

Now I'm working on laundry and cleaning everything.
I guess I could technically hold back from cleaning until they get back, but I'm far too compulsive to wait.
And I should've done this yesterday! SATURDAY IS MY CLEANING DAY. NOT TODAY! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

And I guess it's Independence Day or whatever. I think to celebrate I'm just going to make some jello and if it's clear out tonight, just go stargazing...but wait there'll probably be a shitton of fireworks because for some reason they're legal down here.

Today, I also need to work on reading that goddamn driver's manual so I can finally get my temps and hopefully my license by August. I'll be driving this:
http://i40.tinypic.com/izugd0.jpg
It's pretty nice.

Things You Can Do When You Live By Yourself:

Go to the bathroom with the door wide open
not get dressed
leave your bed unmade
read fanfiction all day
call the cats slutbags
refrain from brushing your hair or making yourself look halfway decent
eat nothing but jello <3
read wherever you desire [i.e. inside the chimney, on top of a table]
watch firefly episodes all day
anything you want to

Oh. Hey. Day One.

The purpose of this blog is so that I don't go insane in the three week period of isolation I'll have to myself. Also, because I like to talk about myself even if no one really cares. So Ha! This blog creates the illusion that people are READING.



So yeah, didn't sleep last night. Emmerged from my room around 5.

Thought about reenacting that scene from home alone

"I made my family disappear!" [insert running around the house and jumping on the bed here]

but no.
i just read the hitchiker's galaxy instead. god. it's so clever.
did yoga as the sun came up, outside on my deck. there was a deer 2 feet away. MAGICAL
ah. and today? I had the urge to make frosting. I'm not even sure if I was intending to use it. I just felt like making it. Well I suck cuz it just ended up tasting like powdered sugar. FAIL ;-;
then i ran for an hour and played with mah new zune. i love the audiosurf app holy shiiiiiit.



gah. so now im just watching episodes of firefly online. You'll love it if you like the whole space cowboy concept as much as I do <3



tonight for dinner: JELL-O



enjoyin the freedom.